Oh dear!

 I hope this doesn't offend anyone,but I'm really done with trying to please everyone. Those of you who know me will just laugh, I hope!

It's been a hectic few months trying to clear up the mess that my life had become. Physically and emotionally. When T moved out, he left so much rubbish behind, tools, rags that he called work clothes and a whole heap of junk cleared out from customers houses and dumped randomly around the property. If I'm honest, I'm still clearing up today! 

Then there are all the half finished jobs in the house that will need a professional to come in and put right! I can handle the decorating and finishing the trims around door frames, but I refuse to touch electrics, nope! I have an electrician coming next week to give me a quote and also someone to check on my leaky roof!

So why have I suddenly lost my cool? Because T still considers we're in a relationship and that he can drop by whenever he's lonely, another big nope! I've hardly seen him in the last couple of weeks because I've been laid up with Covid and it really hit me hard. It's been a very enlightening experience because I was just too sick to get off the sofa some days. I couldn't open my eyes and just had to lay still and listen to the TV or think. I did a lot of thinking!

When a person walks away from a relationship, it's not fair to try to keep a foot in the door. I tried to explain this to T but no, he simply can't understand my stand point and I'm worn out with trying to make it clear. My peace of mind is more important and I need to earn a salary to keep my farm together, which I can't do if I'm an emotional mess.

So, here I am drawing a line. I don't need another person in my life to make me whole. I'm the happiest I've ever been at the moment and I'm loving the quiet, simple life that I'm living. 

I know this is quite a personal post, and I don't often wear my heart on my sleeve, but in order to move on, I feel that I need to really be honest and true to myself.

Kidnapped

 Yesterday was all planned out. Work in the Studio, a little gardening and walk the dogs before back to the studio.

Halfway through the morning, out of the blue, a friend contacted me and asked if I wanted to go to the animal feed shop. Now, if you know me at all, that's my idea of heaven, keep your shoes and clothes, lets go to the Agri shops!

I was reluctant to leave my latest necklace design, but suddenly thought that the rest of the week would see me catching up, so I agreed. I suspected that my friend had heard on the grapevine that I was suddenly single and did what good friends do, she stepped up but without fuss or asking anything personal.

She turned up with her partner in their big van and I rode shotgun. Well, we did a grand tour of wholesale farms and an enormous feed shop. I did ask if they sold live animals before going in because these days I'm feeling a bit broody for baby anythings, lol! Thankfully the answer was no.

The highlight and surprise of the trip was a visit to my dear friend R who manfully took on the care of my spoilt and noisy ewe Big Girl. It was clear from the start that Big Girl was in love with R but more importantly his ram who she instantly disappeared with!!! Some months later, Big Girl produced Little Girl who is nearly as big as her mama, already!

In return for taking on BG, R gave me the pick of his flock as many of them would be going for meat. As soon I spied a tiny, dainty little thing I had a name, Sweetpea. It's my own personal superstition that if I hear a name, then the animal is meant to be mine. She was due to arrive here in September but couldn't travel because she seemed to be in lamb!

And this is the sight that greeted me in the field. My Sweetpea had twins <3 One is definitely a boy, but the tiny one might possibly be a girl, if it is, I'll take her too. I already heard the name Sprout, so fingers crossed :D

I was so exhausted when I finally got home and the animals were sooo pleased to see me but what a lovely day I had and I can still work in the garden today <3

I hope the weather is lovely for you all this weekend.xx

Grateful

 Thank you dear friends for taking the time to message me. I was worried that my last post might be a bit of a buzz-kill, lol!

Not to be one to dwell on the negatives, I've been pulling myself up by my bootstraps! I have so much to be thankful for even if things didn't go quite as planned.

My mysterious illness of the last 4 weeks as gone just as suddenly as it came, so I'm putting it down to stress. My blood tests were inconclusive but I'll still check in with the doctor to be sure.

I have so many reasons to be grateful though <3

My daughter drew this little sketch of me with my kitten Jasper <3

My daughter, aka, the Moomin with Eclipse <3

A beautiful mobius scarf in all the colours of the chakras, made for me by my very dear friend who has literally held me up in the last few months <3

My funny but naughty sheep, they're not supposed to be here!

Or here, haha :D

The bigger black cat in the picture above is Jasper, all stretched out and ready to grab someone! He's just over 6months and longer and taller than Gigi, the other black cat. She's just a round dumpling, haha!

So this is a typical view of the farm, animals running amok while I try to pretend there's a kind of order to things. I did manage to sow 100 sweetcorn seeds and all of my peppers, tomatoes and aubergines have grown, so at least I have food to look forward to.

Hugs to you all.xx

Disenfranchising Grief.

A quick google search gives this definition.  

'Disenfranchised grief is when your grieving doesn't fit in with your larger society's attitude about dealing with death and loss.'

This subject was raised on Instagram and has had me thinking for a few days and I wonder how many of us have caused someone to feel this way without meaning to? It's happened to me several times and if I'm honest it really sucks!

I'll give you an example; when you lose a beloved pet and someone says 'but it was only a cat or a dog'! Suddenly your grief has been completely undermined and not only do you have the loss to deal with but also now need to justify why you're struggling to come to terms with that loss. The grief has now been joined by guilt and so you hide your feelings and they burst out at the most inappropriate moments!

When my horse died, I honestly felt like I'd lost my anchor. He was my refuge when the real world was just too much to deal with. My children understood because they were still at that age when magic felt very real to them, and my horse was so very magical to be around.

But after a week of trying to grasp this loss, people would wonder why I was still so hurt. He'd been with me for over 20 years, through a couple of disastrous relationships and then during my marriage and raising my two young children. Raising children can be tough and my escape to visit my horse gave me the breathing space I needed.

Leaping forward to 15years after my horse died my children left home and once again I was devastated. I think it was worse because they both went back to England at the same time and I couldn't just pop in to visit them as the drive across France and then the ferry back to the UK is a 12hour journey. My grief was dismissed as 'empty nest syndrome', well yes it was but that term is so unhelpful as it conjures up images of hysterical women over reacting, much like the imagery surrounding the menopause!

It took over 2years to come to terms with that grief  and probably contributed to my relationship falling apart with T as I know that he can't cope with big displays of emotion and I was a hot mess!

I think the best way to avoid causing someone to feel disenfranchised grief is to simply ask them what they need. Not everyone wants their grief to be fixed, they probably just need time and for someone to listen to them, I know that's how I deal with it.

And what of me now and my future? I'm slowly getting things together here at the farm and worked so hard all of yesterday on the garden and the verge along the road. I want the farm to look beautiful as you approach and I'm slowly getting there. I'm paying for that today as I'm wiped out, but I still have a lot to do, maybe tomorrow.

I can't honestly say that compared to other situations in my life that I feel an awful lot of grief at the moment, instead it's been a slow unfurling of sadness. It will pass with time.

Hugs to you all.xx

More Cats!!!

 We didn't need any more cats and my limit was set at 10. For 2 years we've managed quite nicely at 9!

So back in September on a return trip to the supermarket, T spotted two little creatures running beside a very busy road, not far from the motorway, we screeched to halt and I dived out of the car. I grabbed one as it shimied up a telephone pole! I can't describe the pain as those tiny needle teeth sunk into my fingers! The biting stopped once the kitten was inside my coat and I managed to put her into an empty wine box! The other had vanished but I went back 30 minutes later with my two adult children who were visiting. We crept quietly across the grass verge and under a hedge were two black kittens, fast asleep. I'm still angry with myself to this day that I didn't try harder, but I only managed to grab one of the kittens, the other fled across the field and into a chicken farm! I think I was successful with this kitten because it was so malnourised and covered in fleas and ticks.

They lived in a cat carrier for some weeks and then moved into the house in one of those animal play pens. Slowly they became tame, but it took a lot of patience and when my daughter returned again for another visit, she helped me. The black and white is the little girl, Eclipse and she was clearly too young to be taken from her mama as she sucks her little blanket before eating or drinking anything. I often had feed her, while the boy, Jasper, has turned into my little shadow. I love them both so much and through the last few difficult months they have brought me so much laughter and comfort.

So, I'm not really alone on this crazy farm, although it was a very strange feeling this morning to think that these quiet days are here now until the students start arriving to learn English.

Alone.

 I can't promise to become a good blogger again as everytime I announce 'I'm back' than another spanner gets thrown into the works!

I'm living the farm life and that means early-ish starts and exhausted finishes! Yesterday, I cleared away the old hay and stacked and covered 60 bales of fresh hay for the horses, alone.

                                                    This picture is so bitter sweet for me.

It would seem that when my dear man and I made our plans to live on a farm, he kind of expected it to be all Darling Buds of May instead of mud, muck and back breaking work. 

Now, don't think he didn't know what caring for animals is like, after all, four of the seven horses are his!

Sadly, I had to sell the goats before Christmas as they were getting out of control and I didn't have the strength to be constantly catching them and repairing fences. It seems that they've gone to a good home but I really do miss Roxy, the mama goat.

I made a video of the kids arriving in the world on my youtube channel, Wildewood Farm. I can't watch it now, it's just too sad.

So what does the future hold for me now? Well, no more surprises I hope for a long time! I've sorted my finances so that my outgoings are minimal as I always wanted to move towards a self-sufficient lifestyle and now I can put it into practice. I'm working hard at my art and have started making jewellery and recently fell in love with book binding. I have plenty to occupy my time and my many animals keep me very amused, so I have plenty to blog about, if I can find the time to write it.

Hugs to all my blogging friends and hopefully, I'll be back with another post soon.