Sunday, 1 December 2019

Don't look back!

I have to say a heartfelt 'good riddance' to November! What a thoroughly horrible month!!!

I stood in our field a couple of nights ago and the sight of the new moon filled me with absolute relief that the month had come to an end and a new one was beginning! I had a good cry and then walked around the farm in the dark thanking my blessings for what I have here and now in my hands.

November was a month of confrontations and saying goodbye to toxic relationships. I wish people had walked away with grace, but there were some unpleasant scenes, most notably from the two women who turned up at a Christmas fair and verbally attacked me. I looked at one and wondered how I'd ever considered her a friend, the other I never liked!

Moving here has stirred up a lot of emotions for people who knew me before, resentment seems to be the big cause. Facebook is another, I fear. Of course I mostly talk about the good things that are happening, who on earth wants to read about how difficult it is to force myself out of bed some days. I'll say that I have a cold when in fact my body has seized up so much that I'm hobbling around until nearly lunchtime because I don't want to bring people down with my pain. Of course, that backfired when I cancelled a lunch date and was reminded that I  'Only had a cold'!!!

People are very odd and for now I'm happy to be without friends, especially as I seem to be lousy at picking or keeping them! It's fine all the time you behave the way they want you to, but the minute you say no, well, that's when it kicks off!!!  I'm trying not to feel lonely but I'm missing my children immensely. What I have realised is that in my rush to avoid missing them I made some bad friend choices, but that won't happen again!

I've been in the studio a lot lately and it's the perfect antidote to drama :D


  1. Oh Yarrow...I cannot claim to exactly know you...however I too have had 'friends'. Friends in the true sense of the word don't or shouldn't question our decisions or our reasoning. They should support not berate or belittle us. Neither should they become offended if for some reason (which we may or may not wish to share with them) we cannot or do not wish to conform to their wishes and demands. People who cannot or will not understand are not friends...they are users and eventually we get hurt, but end up much better off and free from their demanding ways. Friendship is a two way thing...not a one-sided demand from one party. Move onwards and upwards Yarrow. As for missing your children...well I miss my son who lives much further North now...I try to be thankful he has a good job, a home and a loving girlfriend. If he had stayed close to home he would not have been able to meet that girl, buy that house or indeed have that job. I am also thankful that I have so much love in my heart for him that it does not diminish no matter where in the world we land. I will always love and miss him, but I would rather do that than hold him close almost as a prisoner. Sending you a really big, rather squishy hug and hoping you can find inner peace away from these people who do not deserve your energy. xx

  2. Discovering that a "friend" is only an "acquaintance" is painful but not being able to be yourself is even harder. I understand your feelings and, yes, it also makes me miss my children even more. Take care and feel better.

  3. Don't feel bad about ending a toxic relationship with someone you thought was a good friend. Endings like this are happening for a reason. I too have to call off meetings with family and friends sometimes because the cold weather causes my body to freeze with pain. Fibro is very much like Lupus only Lupus comes with worse side effects. I have to wonder when did this start and why me sometimes but then that is so petty.
    I love the little paintings. You have rare talent.

    1. Leanna, I do understand your frustration with Lupus, I sometimes have a shouty breakdown about Fibro, but mostly I just do my best to get on with it. Sometimes I even manage to do it ;)

  4. Thank you dear friends, you're all so kind <3

  5. Thank you Kim, I needed to read this post about toxic friendships, and it has made up my mind over something.

    As for people who are jealous of what you have in France - well, let them sell up and do it for themselves or shut up and leave you in peace!

    Sorry that your Fibro is so bad some days it's so hard to get up and get going.

    Tawny Owls calling here - think they are telling me it's time for bed!

  6. Oh gosh who needs drama! People are overrated. I don't have any "real life" friends because of the same experience. I'm much happier this way with just me and Alex. I love blogging because I have lots of blogger friends. I get to pick and choose the people who I relate to more and who are like minded and we all get along swimmingly - no drama!!! I'm glad November is over too!

  7. Just found you .
    You are right to stand in your own space .I think if you cannot be happy in your own skin you cannot be happy in the world .This obviously applies to these people you have let go .