A quick google search gives this definition.
'Disenfranchised grief is when your grieving doesn't fit in with your larger society's attitude about dealing with death and loss.'
This subject was raised on Instagram and has had me thinking for a few days and I wonder how many of us have caused someone to feel this way without meaning to? It's happened to me several times and if I'm honest it really sucks!
I'll give you an example; when you lose a beloved pet and someone says 'but it was only a cat or a dog'! Suddenly your grief has been completely undermined and not only do you have the loss to deal with but also now need to justify why you're struggling to come to terms with that loss. The grief has now been joined by guilt and so you hide your feelings and they burst out at the most inappropriate moments!
When my horse died, I honestly felt like I'd lost my anchor. He was my refuge when the real world was just too much to deal with. My children understood because they were still at that age when magic felt very real to them, and my horse was so very magical to be around.
But after a week of trying to grasp this loss, people would wonder why I was still so hurt. He'd been with me for over 20 years, through a couple of disastrous relationships and then during my marriage and raising my two young children. Raising children can be tough and my escape to visit my horse gave me the breathing space I needed.
Leaping forward to 15years after my horse died my children left home and once again I was devastated. I think it was worse because they both went back to England at the same time and I couldn't just pop in to visit them as the drive across France and then the ferry back to the UK is a 12hour journey. My grief was dismissed as 'empty nest syndrome', well yes it was but that term is so unhelpful as it conjures up images of hysterical women over reacting, much like the imagery surrounding the menopause!
It took over 2years to come to terms with that grief and probably contributed to my relationship falling apart with T as I know that he can't cope with big displays of emotion and I was a hot mess!
I think the best way to avoid causing someone to feel disenfranchised grief is to simply ask them what they need. Not everyone wants their grief to be fixed, they probably just need time and for someone to listen to them, I know that's how I deal with it.
And what of me now and my future? I'm slowly getting things together here at the farm and worked so hard all of yesterday on the garden and the verge along the road. I want the farm to look beautiful as you approach and I'm slowly getting there. I'm paying for that today as I'm wiped out, but I still have a lot to do, maybe tomorrow.
I can't honestly say that compared to other situations in my life that I feel an awful lot of grief at the moment, instead it's been a slow unfurling of sadness. It will pass with time.
Hugs to you all.xx
Hi Yarrow ♥ Grief is much too personal for anyone to actually understand or relate to. I know that in some cases we feel we can relate, like I relate to the grief others feel when they lose their dogs. But it's still very personal, what our dogs meant to us, how our lives have changed as a result, and worse, when others show lack of empathy and patience...We take as long as we need and if others aren't okay with that...so be it, at least that's my opinion. I've mourned losing pets over people more often than not!
ReplyDeleteBTW: This is the first post I did, starting our new life in New Brunswick! http://www.rainfrances.com/2020/05/we-made-it.html
I agree Rain, I've often mourned more for animals than people, although it will be tough when my mum goes. We've had a turbulent relationship but she's been great since I've lived in France.xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for the link.x
Sometimes I think we've reached a point where people don't think of anyone else before speaking. Don't have any empathy just feel their opinion of your feelings is the answer to all. Ugh. I hate that. I just remember what Thumpers (from Bambi) Daddy always said - "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all".
ReplyDeleteYou're right Pam, and isn't it a shame when you know that they're just waiting to give you their opinion. I try to live by that rule of only saying something nice or nothing at all.x
DeleteOh dear... Yarrow...would a virtual hug help at all...nobody knows what another person is feeling inside and I often find people that ask 'how are you' don't really want to know the ins and outs of how you feel it's just a way of greeting. So off we go with a heavy heart sometimes and have to find our own way out of the grief or other emotion we are feeling. It takes a very special person to truly listen without judgement. x
ReplyDeleteMy late Father in law would often ask how I was and then ask for the polite answer! It became a joke over the years where we would simply say 'I'm fine' and then wink! At least he was honest! xx
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